Long time coming..

Hey everyone (ok, the very few people who read this) I'm sorry it's been so long. but having a crappy computer was the main reason. So here it is, one of many blogs I'm going to post in the next few days(hopefully). Here it goes...

First, I'm back in Fresno now. (Yes, it is sad, but good.) It's good to be home, but hard to be away from L.A. I spent 8 months on my own; in a large city, working an average of 40 hours per a week at the Happiest Place on Earth. And after about 6 months, I realized how accustomed I had become to living on my own. I got used to it, persay. So I think thats why leaving was hard. Because, although I was home again, home has changed, my life has changed. My friends have changed. Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It's a blessing in fact; however, it makes the transition harder, because I'm having to get used to change again.

However, the good thing about being home, is that I'm able to be more involved in the church again. If you had talked to me, prior to leaving to L.A., you'd have heard me say how I felt the LORD calling me to L.A. for missions. However, you also would have heard me say how I was more scared to go to L.A. then I was for going overseas. (I realized this even after going overseas last summer) This was because, if you remember, I felt that although many populations of the Earth are unreached with the gospel, Hollywood is different because they know, or have most likely heard the gospel, but they just don't care. So when one is going to L.A. They are going somewhere where falling away, falling in to sin is at higher risk. I know it's easy for me to say that dying for my faith seems easier. And I know if I were in that situation, I would probably change my view. But let me tell you this...

Going overseas, we as Americans are leaving are comfort zones. And although we may be traveling to a country where spreading the gospel is illegal, and can hence be a death sentence, when you go on a trip out there, you feel God's presence. You're there to spread the gospel. And in a way, despite the risk, it's easier to draw nearer to God. At least in my opinion. However, Hollywood is not that way. Hollywood is in my comfort zone, so it's easy to be consumed in your own life, and not look to God as much as you should. (I know this from experience, I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.) In L.A. you can lose control easy if you're not careful. Now, my faith is strong enough to resist certain sins, what I mean to say is, I've lived with a certain form of morals for 21 years, so some aspects of my lifestyle and choices aren't going to change. But I've seen how I can still be led astray. Being worldly and not Godly. These are the reasons I was more scared to go to L.A. then I am of going overseas. Why am I telling you this?

I failed.

I wasn't the child that I should have been. Far from it even. I wasn't the light I could have been. Yes, when it came to moral issues I stood my ground. But in order to be a witness for the LORD in L.A. the 'usual' doesn't cut it. I'll admit I was too scared to fully express the faith I have. Sharing with the co-workers I had. And I know I didn't care about them (well about their souls) enough. I failed. Not just in in being a light, but in my own walk with the Creator of all. If I had been in the Word more, and gone to church more regularly, I would not have gotten into the same situations and would have been able to deal better. But I let the sin and drama consume me, and take over my life. I failed. But I realized, that although I failed, I became much stronger too. He called me back. I realized how even when I'm struggling, He is there. The LORD died for me, and even when I fall, He is there to break me, and humble me. I grew because I had to live my faith out almost completely alone (meaning without other believers, because none are alone who have Christ) , for the first time in my life, made me realize more about my faith, and the God I love and want to serve with my life. Although I wasn't ever truly alone, not being in the Word, I felt more alone then ever. (Again, not something I am proud of) That's something I never want to take lightly again.

So...that is why me being home is a good thing. I can get a better grip on my faith, and come near to He who died for me...In preparation to go back 'out into the world and preach the good news'. Because if I am not looking to the One whom I serve with my life, and I'm not serving him with my life, it's all in vain. So, in short, I still feel called to Hollywood after I graduate. But that's not where I'm meant to be at this moment. In the book "God Called A Girl" by Shannon Kubiak, that I recently read she stated,

"Sometimes he prevents us from being where we want to be so we can end up where we are supposed to be."

I WANT to be in L.A. But at this point in my life, that is not where I am supposed to be. I NEED to be right here. In my journal I wrote this,

"He knows I was led astray. Therefore, where I want to be probably isn't where I'm supposed to be...now. I need to find comfort in knowing that in my confusion God is doing work. In the midst of the fog He is working".

I don't think it can be any clearer. So instead of worrying and being sad about being home, I need to realize the PURPOSE for why I am. And why I need to be. And how I'm supposed to live - praising Him who died for me at calvary. I need to

'lay aside every weight, and sin which so easily entangles, and run with endurance, the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on HIm, the Author and perfector of my faith, who for the JOY set before him, endured the cross, scorning the shame, and is seated at the right hand of God."

I pray that I can fall on my knees in praise to Him. And never forget His work at calvary.

Growing up...

So, I think lately I've been growing up a lot. And at the same time it's become so apparent how much more growing up I have to do. Last night I came to the realization that God is so good!!! Not that this is new news at all, but...it's always good to remember. I am sooo small and God is soo Big!!! It's overwhelming but in a good way.

Now for the trials portion. Last night I had a small meltdown. I realized how much I've fallen away since I've been here in LA. Maybe fallen away isn't the right words. But I interact with my friends here like I do with the ones I've known all my life. The ones who know who I really am in regards to my faith. Whereas these other friends just see who I am now. I know I need to work on this more. Work on being a light. Work on being a light for Jesus in this place. My usual means of doing this just can't cut it anymore. I've realized I may have to end some friendships, which is not something I've ever felt I had to do. I need to do more. So...yeah that's that.

Today started better. I was happy with just who Christ is. And work was easier, etc. But things can change so much. They can be great then turn to gray so fast. I don't understand it. I don't like it, but thats life. And when these things happen all I can do is turn to Him. And on my hands and knees I fall, into his arms. And I know it'll be okay, and even if its not, well that's okay too. Some things never fail. God is good, He is sovereign. He's in control. He is so many unchanging and unfailing things. So I lean upon Him when all else turns to black. If only I remembered that everyday. :) So here I am today. Am I happy, no. Am I sad, yes. But I still have hope in my Heavenly Father. That He is there, and He loves me. And everything...EVERYTHING is according to His plan for me. Even if I don't like it, or have problems with his timing. Which I struggle with constantly. But I guess that's one reason its called faith right? Faith in someone so holy, who's timing is perfect and who is in complete control, when it seems things are spiraling out of control. :) Thank you Lord for your amazing Grace, and mercy towards me, a sinner. And for loving me so fully, enough to send your son for me. Thank you Father, Spirit, Jesus...

When times get hard

So. I thought I'd update you all on what's going on in my life at Disneyland, or spiritually. Everything. (I'll try to keep it short, but with me, who knows if that'll happen.) So here it is. Work's been going pretty well. It's been getting way less stressful, as I get more comfortable driving and interacting with the guests. So work, is getting very enjoyable now that I know what I'm doing more and more each day.

So, before I go into the next part, I feel that it's important for me to add a scripture that relates to what I'm going through, and what helps me when times are hard. I go to this passage often, and have even committed it to memory. So here it is...

Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

So...I have had a week of weeks. You name it, it probably happened. So the first part of this week went rather splendid. I met some new people. Got to know some others, talked to home friends. And my mom came out here on Tuesday and Wednesday to see me. We went shopping and then, since I got my blue card to get guests into the park for free, we went to the park for a few hours on Wednesday. My mom left that night, and I relaxed at home. Thursday at work, I was tired (from staying up to late), but the day was pretty good nonetheless.

Then came Friday. I had to begin work at 8:45. But after getting to the parking lot, when I went to delete my month's worth of texts, my phone decided to turn off, and not turn back on. So I had to call the att people and get everything figured out. And short story, they're sending me a new phone it should be here on Tuesday.

So, thankful that I had that behind me, I came to work bright and early, at 7 am on Saturday morning. The day went well. I had G.C. Which meant, a whole day of interacting with guests in the line. No DRIVING!!! I was excited. The weather was hot, but the work was not bad. But, on my way out of the parking lot. My car got backed into. YEP. Fun. Luckily, my car isn't hurt too badly, but I can't say the same for hers. So that was stressful.

I decided to burn off some steam by going to the park with Kelsey. We waited in line for Space Mountain for 45 minutes. And then came home.

And then today. It was good. I had a great day at work, other than having to be at work at 7:30, and showing up early, because I thought I worked at 7. But today was good. I read James 2 and 3. And it was what I needed yet again. I'm hoping to practice the art of silence. Yes, it will be difficult, since I talk a lot. But I know I need to watch my tongue. So I'm praying that God can help give me the discipline I need to achieve being "slow to speak". I love you all and miss you dearly! Best wishes and happy day to you all!

By Faith...

So, today I was reading Hebrews 11. And wow, I find it amazing how one always seems to read a passage that one needs to read at that specific moment. Now don't think that I mean to say that every passage isn't good to read, because they are. But I love how what one reads on a given day always relates directly to what one is struggling with, or going through on that given day. And today, I needed to read Hebrews 11.

So like I said, I was reading Hebrews 11, which talks all about how all these men and women did specific things "by faith". How "by faith" Noah when warned about things not yet seen built an ark in holy fear, to save his family. The chapter continues on talking about Abraham and Sarah, Issac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses and even Rahab.

Well, this chapter got me to thinking about how little I do "by faith" or, how much I take my faith for granted. Here in America as a believer, it's so easy to just blend in. Living in a way that doesn't cross the line of immorality, but coming as close to crossing that line as possible. Here we can be a Christian without living a life of intention, and without having to face persecution. Yet all over the world other believers face daily persecution for their faith, yet they serve the Lord despite those circumstances. So this passage made me realize how I need to live "by faith" more. That I need to sieze the opportunities and freedoms I have more. My prayer is that I can live a life intentional and "by faith". Instead of taking what I have for granted everyday in fear of persecution.

What's on my heart, with a week to go...

As most of you know, I'm leaving for Anaheim in a week from today for the Disney College Program at Disneyland. Alot of you want to know and have been asking me if I'm excited, nervous, scared what not. So I thought I'd post a blog filling you all in with where I'm at emotionally, spiritually, etc as I prepare to leave.

So first, I was wondering when it'd sink in that I was leaving, and although it mostly has, I don't think it will fully until I'm on my way to L.A next Monday. I'm waiting to wake up and realize it's not real, but I know that's silly, because it is. Since I've wanted to do this program, and work for Disney for so long, I'm excited that it's only a week away. I'm not nervous or scared about the working/learning aspect of the program. However, I am nervous about the aspect of not only living hours away from home, but about my roomate situation. I dont' know who they are, I'll find out on the day I move down. Since I've always lived at home, (with the exception of one summer at hume), I've never lived with strangers, and am worried about clashing with them. I'm worried about conflicts and confrontations that may occur based on being strangers with them, and varying beliefs to mine. So for all you here at home, I would love it if you could pray about this for me. That I might be able to be a light despite whatever I encounter. That I would remember who it is I'm serving.

I ask that you pray for me as I head down there, because, as most of you know, this is where I feel God has called me to work for Him. Therefore, I know that He is in control of the situation, and I need to trust in Him. That I might have the strength to live a life with intention, like I have not done for so long. So please be praying for me as I go to Disneyland.

Here are some passages that I've been reading lately that have encouraged and helped me prepare for this...

Ephesians 5:1-2 "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

Colossians 4:2-6 "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let you conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

Also please pray that I find a church I can go to, and that I can find one that meets when I'm available. That if I can't find a church, I could find a group of believers to meet with or some other way of fellowship would present itself. :) I'll try to keep you all updated on what I'm learning and what God's teaching me throughout this journey he has me on. Have a splendid day! And God bless!

Hey I thought I'd post a note here so that all of you who are following my journey toward doing the Disney College Program would know the latest news...the not very fun news.

Late Monday night, as many of you may know, I received an e-mail stating that they had yet to recieve my application. They also said I needed to send it as soon as possible, that within a week they'd assume I'm no longer interested. At this point it'd been three weeks since I submitted it online and had my interview.

So... I got a little frustrated that they waited 3 weeks to inform me of that matter. So, I emailed them back telling them I'd re-send it to them. However, they also said that they had received my role checklist. The wierd and frustrating thing about that is, I faxed that along with my application. It was the last two pages after my application. So what happened to my application? I don't know.

Anyway...I had a time of major frustration and a very tear-filled hour, after I found out. It was all these different aspects together that just broke me down. Then I read some in my Bible, and thanks to Isaiah 40 and Matthew 6, I was able to calm down, and go to bed around 1 am.

So........fast forward a day, and I skipped polisci to figure out the whole resending my app thing. So I went to the school and I got it re-faxed. Now, all I could do was wait to hear if they got it.

...Fast forward till Thursday. I called them to ask if they'd recieved it and they said there was no record yet. But it takes 48 hours to confirm or whatever. So if I didn't hear withing 48 hours to recall them. So, I re called them like 2 hours later. And well same thing. They both said give it a week and if you don't hear anything call us back or resend it. I had to inform them that I only had a week to re-send it in. So they told me to resend it. Now don't get me wrong, I can do that, and I will. But I think it's a bit ridiculous that they wouldn't have gotten it either time. I sent it twice! And well yea...that's it for now. I'm calling again tomorrow and asking to talk to the casting director or equivalent directly to make sure I will still be in the pool of applicants, but I have not been able to send it to them successfully. I hope I get somewhere!!!!

This is beyond frustrating. I'm trying really hard to just Trust in God and his timing, but it's very hard. And my frustration with Disney is not helping me, or them, and it's not being used to glorify God, so I know I need to work on not being anxious, frustrated etc...but it's gonna take time!!!Anyway, I wanted yall to have the most current update with my disney experience in trying to achieve my goals one step at a time....oh patience....patience, patience, God give me patience!!! Plus I know that if it's meant to be, it'll happen!!! I just need to remember Christ along the way...