2009

Hey Everyone,



There is one more day left in 2009. So I believe its time for a blog that reflects this year.



First, however, I'd like to say, that 2009 has been pretty crazy. It's been filled with lots of trials and lots of first experiences. But thats what's made it such an amazing year. =). God has blessed me with so many amazing blessings in all forms. :). So, here is my synopsis of the 2009 year.

Blessings in the form of Praise

• January 1 - Brought in the new year with my friends in the best way possible, bringing prasie to my Heavenly Father in worship and fellowship.
• January 6th- I started the Disney College Program. Therefore, I moved out on my own to Anaheim, CA.
• Learning how to deal with my faith away from home, learning more about Christ from an individual perspective.
• Meeting whole new friends. =)
• Being a cast member at the Happiest Place on Earth. A steady job, at a place I love.
• Designing my first period show.
• Learning more about who I am as an individual and spiritually

This year had many blessings. But it had much pain as well. But the thing I've come to realize is how thankful I am for all the blessings and the trials. Because trials are blessings too. :)

Trials

• Living on my own
• Relationships
• Losing friends
• Being a cast member at the Happiest Place on Earth.
• Faith on my own.
• Finding who I am

So you know I've realized blessings and trials are usually one in the same. And I am thankful for this year. Although it was filled with many hardships, I learned so much through them, and even more about God's love and grace. So for that I am thankful. I can't wait to see what this next year brings. In closing, here is one of the biggest lessons I've learned. I've always struggled with relationships. This year was probably the biggest learning year for relationships then I've ever had. For the longest time I've wanted a relationship, or thought that I wanted a relationship so bad, but then when the opportunity arises for one, I found that the wrong relationship isn't worth it. Its hard to explain, but I fought my feelings and although I still got hurt, I learned so much. And for that I am so thankful. :) And although, I'm still learning, I feel alot better about these trials when I remember God's goodness, and His grace. But heres til an even better 2010. Peace and love to you all. And God Bless. <3

Where I Am

Hello everyone,

I know it's been a while. I hope to start getting better at blogging semi-regularly again. So today, I write about my life currently. However untheological this quote may be, it is true that Life is a climb. And it probably is the best reflection of my life in this moment.

But I must start at Thanksgiving week first. Over my time in orange country for work over Thanksgiving holiday, God showed me how much I need Him. Now, of course this isn't new news. But He showed me that I've been trusting the people and things of this world to make me happy. When in reality, nothing of this world can cause or bring happiness. For living of this world actually causes the opposite. But I was enjoying it. Sadly, but it's true. But He called me back. He made me realize that I need more discipline in my life. That I can't do anything without Him.

So fast forward to last Saturday night. We had the cross-generational Christmas party. I was still having a non-Christ-Centered view. I didn't want to go. But I went, and through the night of Christ-Centered worship and fellowship, I came to the realization that I really did need to repair my lifestyle that I've been in for a couple months.

Therefore, when I got home, I made the decision to not go on Facebook for a week. And to delete my twitter account. Although, small as they may be, I know that I spend too much time idley on them both. I follow these celebrities, to see what's going on in their lives, when I shouldnt' even care. And I need to cut back on the media intake that I let into my mind. So, this was that first step. And I realized that I waste so much time on facebook, trying to remain friends with people who may not care if I didn't initiate contact. So, I decided to take a break.

Now, It's hard to say what the long term effects will be. But I know that I need more discipline in my life. Especially if i want to serve as a believer in L.A. I can't rely on my own strengths or willpower to stay strong and focused on Christ without Relying on He who is the reason for which I have life, and for my salvation. So although it will be a long time coming, and may never happen, I pray I can continue to trust in the One who died for me. And not let this world tempt me, with its temporal treasures any longer.

Undeserving but Thankful

So in young adult group on Tuesday nights we are currently going through the book of Esther. I've been enjoying it alot. Even though we haven't yet gotten to far into the study yet, to the bulk of who Esther was and what she did. I still am enjoying this study because it helps me remember the faith that Esther had and the trust she placed in our LORD. For that is something that I am constantly struggling with.

Lately, I've been so blinded by my trials and been letting them create negativity in my life, that I've almost (though never completely) forgotten Whom it is I serve and Love. Who it is that died for me. And with going through Esther and "Living the Cross Centered Life" in small groups, this has been renewed in my thought process. It's been causing me to ask myself daily "who is God" "Who is Man?" and "Who is Christ?" I know this is something I need to remember daily. And I know that God is good, and if I remember that, these trials will be a blessing and not a curse.

The main point of this blog is to say that I was once again broken almost to the point of tears this evening when I realized how silly I've been. Who am I to deserve such mercy from God's wrath? And who am I to think that what was done at calvery was something that happened two thousand years ago? This song, "Jesus Thank You" broke me and the Lord called me back. And all I can say is just that... Jesus Thank You. Thank you.

Words and music by Pat Sczebel

As recorded on Worship God LiveLyrics

~

The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend

The agonies of Calvary

You the perfect Holy One,

crushed Your Son

Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me

~~

Your blood has washed away my sin

Jesus, thank You

The Father’s wrath completely satisfied

Jesus, thank You

Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table

Jesus, thank You

~~

By Your perfect sacrifice

I’ve been brought near

Your enemy

You’ve made Your friend

Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace

Your mercy and Your kindness know no end

Lover of my soul

I want to live for You

I wrote this song. To help me get across some of what I've been feeling. Hope you like it. :D

I'm done waiting for you tonight
To text me back and say goodnight
Cuz I know, things just aren't the same
Yes I see now that the rain,
Has overshadowed our love
Drowned out the sun.
But I know it will rise again
Love will ascend

~Chorus~
So I'll wait for that day
Where the waves wash away
The feelings of sadness
That came when you went away.
Bringing with them a love renewed
Something lasting. Something true.
So for that I will wait.
No longer will I stay in this state.
~
lost too much time in tears of you,
And no longer will I be blue.
But please oh please listen here
Know that I still hold you near
deep within my heart
Even though apart
But I will rise above the clouds
And scream aloud

~chorus~

So I get up off the floor
Dry thee tears
From my eyes
And Say goodbye to my fears

Rinse the makeup off my face
I'm going to feel beautiful today.
Will not let you hold me down Anymore.
Ill feel contentment.
Time to soar.

Life...

So, recently I've lost a really good friend. I know I need to move on, but it's hard because I don't take losing friends well at all. This person left (well stopped talking to me abrubtly) and I was really hurt by it. He didn't even give a reason. I know I need to be okay with that. I know that God has a plan for everything, but it definetly still hurts. Especially learning that someone you thought you knew, you didn't know at all. I forgive this person, but I'm still hurting. I miss this person regardless, I just need to have the strength to move on. Anyway, that's how I've been feeling lately.

Friend, if you ever read this, I miss you and care for you deeply. I hope that the Lord blesses you and hope to maybe see you again someday. I thank the Lord for you, no matter how much pain you've caused. Please forgive me if I overstepped or did anything wrong. <3

'Unashamed' by starfield

I have not much
To offer You.
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth.

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose words secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend.
Your mercy sets me free.

And I know I am weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of your mercy
I stand here unashamed.

I can explain
The kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heaven's heights
And greet me face to face.

Here I am at your feet
In my brokenness complete.

Long time coming..

Hey everyone (ok, the very few people who read this) I'm sorry it's been so long. but having a crappy computer was the main reason. So here it is, one of many blogs I'm going to post in the next few days(hopefully). Here it goes...

First, I'm back in Fresno now. (Yes, it is sad, but good.) It's good to be home, but hard to be away from L.A. I spent 8 months on my own; in a large city, working an average of 40 hours per a week at the Happiest Place on Earth. And after about 6 months, I realized how accustomed I had become to living on my own. I got used to it, persay. So I think thats why leaving was hard. Because, although I was home again, home has changed, my life has changed. My friends have changed. Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It's a blessing in fact; however, it makes the transition harder, because I'm having to get used to change again.

However, the good thing about being home, is that I'm able to be more involved in the church again. If you had talked to me, prior to leaving to L.A., you'd have heard me say how I felt the LORD calling me to L.A. for missions. However, you also would have heard me say how I was more scared to go to L.A. then I was for going overseas. (I realized this even after going overseas last summer) This was because, if you remember, I felt that although many populations of the Earth are unreached with the gospel, Hollywood is different because they know, or have most likely heard the gospel, but they just don't care. So when one is going to L.A. They are going somewhere where falling away, falling in to sin is at higher risk. I know it's easy for me to say that dying for my faith seems easier. And I know if I were in that situation, I would probably change my view. But let me tell you this...

Going overseas, we as Americans are leaving are comfort zones. And although we may be traveling to a country where spreading the gospel is illegal, and can hence be a death sentence, when you go on a trip out there, you feel God's presence. You're there to spread the gospel. And in a way, despite the risk, it's easier to draw nearer to God. At least in my opinion. However, Hollywood is not that way. Hollywood is in my comfort zone, so it's easy to be consumed in your own life, and not look to God as much as you should. (I know this from experience, I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.) In L.A. you can lose control easy if you're not careful. Now, my faith is strong enough to resist certain sins, what I mean to say is, I've lived with a certain form of morals for 21 years, so some aspects of my lifestyle and choices aren't going to change. But I've seen how I can still be led astray. Being worldly and not Godly. These are the reasons I was more scared to go to L.A. then I am of going overseas. Why am I telling you this?

I failed.

I wasn't the child that I should have been. Far from it even. I wasn't the light I could have been. Yes, when it came to moral issues I stood my ground. But in order to be a witness for the LORD in L.A. the 'usual' doesn't cut it. I'll admit I was too scared to fully express the faith I have. Sharing with the co-workers I had. And I know I didn't care about them (well about their souls) enough. I failed. Not just in in being a light, but in my own walk with the Creator of all. If I had been in the Word more, and gone to church more regularly, I would not have gotten into the same situations and would have been able to deal better. But I let the sin and drama consume me, and take over my life. I failed. But I realized, that although I failed, I became much stronger too. He called me back. I realized how even when I'm struggling, He is there. The LORD died for me, and even when I fall, He is there to break me, and humble me. I grew because I had to live my faith out almost completely alone (meaning without other believers, because none are alone who have Christ) , for the first time in my life, made me realize more about my faith, and the God I love and want to serve with my life. Although I wasn't ever truly alone, not being in the Word, I felt more alone then ever. (Again, not something I am proud of) That's something I never want to take lightly again.

So...that is why me being home is a good thing. I can get a better grip on my faith, and come near to He who died for me...In preparation to go back 'out into the world and preach the good news'. Because if I am not looking to the One whom I serve with my life, and I'm not serving him with my life, it's all in vain. So, in short, I still feel called to Hollywood after I graduate. But that's not where I'm meant to be at this moment. In the book "God Called A Girl" by Shannon Kubiak, that I recently read she stated,

"Sometimes he prevents us from being where we want to be so we can end up where we are supposed to be."

I WANT to be in L.A. But at this point in my life, that is not where I am supposed to be. I NEED to be right here. In my journal I wrote this,

"He knows I was led astray. Therefore, where I want to be probably isn't where I'm supposed to be...now. I need to find comfort in knowing that in my confusion God is doing work. In the midst of the fog He is working".

I don't think it can be any clearer. So instead of worrying and being sad about being home, I need to realize the PURPOSE for why I am. And why I need to be. And how I'm supposed to live - praising Him who died for me at calvary. I need to

'lay aside every weight, and sin which so easily entangles, and run with endurance, the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on HIm, the Author and perfector of my faith, who for the JOY set before him, endured the cross, scorning the shame, and is seated at the right hand of God."

I pray that I can fall on my knees in praise to Him. And never forget His work at calvary.