I wrote this song. To help me get across some of what I've been feeling. Hope you like it. :D

I'm done waiting for you tonight
To text me back and say goodnight
Cuz I know, things just aren't the same
Yes I see now that the rain,
Has overshadowed our love
Drowned out the sun.
But I know it will rise again
Love will ascend

~Chorus~
So I'll wait for that day
Where the waves wash away
The feelings of sadness
That came when you went away.
Bringing with them a love renewed
Something lasting. Something true.
So for that I will wait.
No longer will I stay in this state.
~
lost too much time in tears of you,
And no longer will I be blue.
But please oh please listen here
Know that I still hold you near
deep within my heart
Even though apart
But I will rise above the clouds
And scream aloud

~chorus~

So I get up off the floor
Dry thee tears
From my eyes
And Say goodbye to my fears

Rinse the makeup off my face
I'm going to feel beautiful today.
Will not let you hold me down Anymore.
Ill feel contentment.
Time to soar.

Life...

So, recently I've lost a really good friend. I know I need to move on, but it's hard because I don't take losing friends well at all. This person left (well stopped talking to me abrubtly) and I was really hurt by it. He didn't even give a reason. I know I need to be okay with that. I know that God has a plan for everything, but it definetly still hurts. Especially learning that someone you thought you knew, you didn't know at all. I forgive this person, but I'm still hurting. I miss this person regardless, I just need to have the strength to move on. Anyway, that's how I've been feeling lately.

Friend, if you ever read this, I miss you and care for you deeply. I hope that the Lord blesses you and hope to maybe see you again someday. I thank the Lord for you, no matter how much pain you've caused. Please forgive me if I overstepped or did anything wrong. <3

'Unashamed' by starfield

I have not much
To offer You.
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth.

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose words secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend.
Your mercy sets me free.

And I know I am weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of your mercy
I stand here unashamed.

I can explain
The kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heaven's heights
And greet me face to face.

Here I am at your feet
In my brokenness complete.

Long time coming..

Hey everyone (ok, the very few people who read this) I'm sorry it's been so long. but having a crappy computer was the main reason. So here it is, one of many blogs I'm going to post in the next few days(hopefully). Here it goes...

First, I'm back in Fresno now. (Yes, it is sad, but good.) It's good to be home, but hard to be away from L.A. I spent 8 months on my own; in a large city, working an average of 40 hours per a week at the Happiest Place on Earth. And after about 6 months, I realized how accustomed I had become to living on my own. I got used to it, persay. So I think thats why leaving was hard. Because, although I was home again, home has changed, my life has changed. My friends have changed. Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It's a blessing in fact; however, it makes the transition harder, because I'm having to get used to change again.

However, the good thing about being home, is that I'm able to be more involved in the church again. If you had talked to me, prior to leaving to L.A., you'd have heard me say how I felt the LORD calling me to L.A. for missions. However, you also would have heard me say how I was more scared to go to L.A. then I was for going overseas. (I realized this even after going overseas last summer) This was because, if you remember, I felt that although many populations of the Earth are unreached with the gospel, Hollywood is different because they know, or have most likely heard the gospel, but they just don't care. So when one is going to L.A. They are going somewhere where falling away, falling in to sin is at higher risk. I know it's easy for me to say that dying for my faith seems easier. And I know if I were in that situation, I would probably change my view. But let me tell you this...

Going overseas, we as Americans are leaving are comfort zones. And although we may be traveling to a country where spreading the gospel is illegal, and can hence be a death sentence, when you go on a trip out there, you feel God's presence. You're there to spread the gospel. And in a way, despite the risk, it's easier to draw nearer to God. At least in my opinion. However, Hollywood is not that way. Hollywood is in my comfort zone, so it's easy to be consumed in your own life, and not look to God as much as you should. (I know this from experience, I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.) In L.A. you can lose control easy if you're not careful. Now, my faith is strong enough to resist certain sins, what I mean to say is, I've lived with a certain form of morals for 21 years, so some aspects of my lifestyle and choices aren't going to change. But I've seen how I can still be led astray. Being worldly and not Godly. These are the reasons I was more scared to go to L.A. then I am of going overseas. Why am I telling you this?

I failed.

I wasn't the child that I should have been. Far from it even. I wasn't the light I could have been. Yes, when it came to moral issues I stood my ground. But in order to be a witness for the LORD in L.A. the 'usual' doesn't cut it. I'll admit I was too scared to fully express the faith I have. Sharing with the co-workers I had. And I know I didn't care about them (well about their souls) enough. I failed. Not just in in being a light, but in my own walk with the Creator of all. If I had been in the Word more, and gone to church more regularly, I would not have gotten into the same situations and would have been able to deal better. But I let the sin and drama consume me, and take over my life. I failed. But I realized, that although I failed, I became much stronger too. He called me back. I realized how even when I'm struggling, He is there. The LORD died for me, and even when I fall, He is there to break me, and humble me. I grew because I had to live my faith out almost completely alone (meaning without other believers, because none are alone who have Christ) , for the first time in my life, made me realize more about my faith, and the God I love and want to serve with my life. Although I wasn't ever truly alone, not being in the Word, I felt more alone then ever. (Again, not something I am proud of) That's something I never want to take lightly again.

So...that is why me being home is a good thing. I can get a better grip on my faith, and come near to He who died for me...In preparation to go back 'out into the world and preach the good news'. Because if I am not looking to the One whom I serve with my life, and I'm not serving him with my life, it's all in vain. So, in short, I still feel called to Hollywood after I graduate. But that's not where I'm meant to be at this moment. In the book "God Called A Girl" by Shannon Kubiak, that I recently read she stated,

"Sometimes he prevents us from being where we want to be so we can end up where we are supposed to be."

I WANT to be in L.A. But at this point in my life, that is not where I am supposed to be. I NEED to be right here. In my journal I wrote this,

"He knows I was led astray. Therefore, where I want to be probably isn't where I'm supposed to be...now. I need to find comfort in knowing that in my confusion God is doing work. In the midst of the fog He is working".

I don't think it can be any clearer. So instead of worrying and being sad about being home, I need to realize the PURPOSE for why I am. And why I need to be. And how I'm supposed to live - praising Him who died for me at calvary. I need to

'lay aside every weight, and sin which so easily entangles, and run with endurance, the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on HIm, the Author and perfector of my faith, who for the JOY set before him, endured the cross, scorning the shame, and is seated at the right hand of God."

I pray that I can fall on my knees in praise to Him. And never forget His work at calvary.

Complicated...(Unsaved posted blog I found)

So you know those days where you find yourself wanting something or wishing things were different?!?! Well I've been known to have those days. And God has his ways of showing us things in the midst of those times. Recently God has been showing me that the things we wish for that we think we want, may not really be what he plans.



I've been going through some rough times. And had to do one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And it turns out that although I thought that talking to this person would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. What's followed has been way harder. Its a learning experience. And I've found that although I thought I wanted a relationship so bad. And then when a situation arises I've found myself having to deal with realizing that God works in amazing ways. (The one thing I thought I wanted), he's shown me, that what I think I want, might not be what is. I don't know how to explain it but it's like, hes had this happen, as if saying "you want a relationship? Ok, well lets see how you deal with the possibility of one?" So when it comes to the possibility of it, I've found myself having to do the hard thing and realize that not any relationship is right. Funny how God works, isn't it?

Growing up...

So, I think lately I've been growing up a lot. And at the same time it's become so apparent how much more growing up I have to do. Last night I came to the realization that God is so good!!! Not that this is new news at all, but...it's always good to remember. I am sooo small and God is soo Big!!! It's overwhelming but in a good way.

Now for the trials portion. Last night I had a small meltdown. I realized how much I've fallen away since I've been here in LA. Maybe fallen away isn't the right words. But I interact with my friends here like I do with the ones I've known all my life. The ones who know who I really am in regards to my faith. Whereas these other friends just see who I am now. I know I need to work on this more. Work on being a light. Work on being a light for Jesus in this place. My usual means of doing this just can't cut it anymore. I've realized I may have to end some friendships, which is not something I've ever felt I had to do. I need to do more. So...yeah that's that.

Today started better. I was happy with just who Christ is. And work was easier, etc. But things can change so much. They can be great then turn to gray so fast. I don't understand it. I don't like it, but thats life. And when these things happen all I can do is turn to Him. And on my hands and knees I fall, into his arms. And I know it'll be okay, and even if its not, well that's okay too. Some things never fail. God is good, He is sovereign. He's in control. He is so many unchanging and unfailing things. So I lean upon Him when all else turns to black. If only I remembered that everyday. :) So here I am today. Am I happy, no. Am I sad, yes. But I still have hope in my Heavenly Father. That He is there, and He loves me. And everything...EVERYTHING is according to His plan for me. Even if I don't like it, or have problems with his timing. Which I struggle with constantly. But I guess that's one reason its called faith right? Faith in someone so holy, who's timing is perfect and who is in complete control, when it seems things are spiraling out of control. :) Thank you Lord for your amazing Grace, and mercy towards me, a sinner. And for loving me so fully, enough to send your son for me. Thank you Father, Spirit, Jesus...

DCP: Housing

I know you all want to know what my apartment looks like. So here's a blog all about my housing. So, I think it's pretty sweet. They're nice, fully furnished but cozy. Some would say they're pricey, but I don't think it's too bad. So here are the photos...

Here's mine and Bethany's room. (There are now two Jonas Brothers posters up.)

Here's our living room! (Which is still a work in progress, but now we have an Enchanted poster and a Disneyland Map on the walls)

This is mine and Bethany's bathroom. (And whoever may visit our apartment)

Our wonderful kitchen. We have lots of counter space, it's wonderful. (Well in the rare occasion when its not messy)

The other side of our kitchen. With our electric stove and microwave.

So, that's it. I know it's plain, and kind of boring, but I still like it. :)