First, I'm back in Fresno now. (Yes, it is sad, but good.) It's good to be home, but hard to be away from L.A. I spent 8 months on my own; in a large city, working an average of 40 hours per a week at the Happiest Place on Earth. And after about 6 months, I realized how accustomed I had become to living on my own. I got used to it, persay. So I think thats why leaving was hard. Because, although I was home again, home has changed, my life has changed. My friends have changed. Now, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It's a blessing in fact; however, it makes the transition harder, because I'm having to get used to change again.
However, the good thing about being home, is that I'm able to be more involved in the church again. If you had talked to me, prior to leaving to L.A., you'd have heard me say how I felt the LORD calling me to L.A. for missions. However, you also would have heard me say how I was more scared to go to L.A. then I was for going overseas. (I realized this even after going overseas last summer) This was because, if you remember, I felt that although many populations of the Earth are unreached with the gospel, Hollywood is different because they know, or have most likely heard the gospel, but they just don't care. So when one is going to L.A. They are going somewhere where falling away, falling in to sin is at higher risk. I know it's easy for me to say that dying for my faith seems easier. And I know if I were in that situation, I would probably change my view. But let me tell you this...
Going overseas, we as Americans are leaving are comfort zones. And although we may be traveling to a country where spreading the gospel is illegal, and can hence be a death sentence, when you go on a trip out there, you feel God's presence. You're there to spread the gospel. And in a way, despite the risk, it's easier to draw nearer to God. At least in my opinion. However, Hollywood is not that way. Hollywood is in my comfort zone, so it's easy to be consumed in your own life, and not look to God as much as you should. (I know this from experience, I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.) In L.A. you can lose control easy if you're not careful. Now, my faith is strong enough to resist certain sins, what I mean to say is, I've lived with a certain form of morals for 21 years, so some aspects of my lifestyle and choices aren't going to change. But I've seen how I can still be led astray. Being worldly and not Godly. These are the reasons I was more scared to go to L.A. then I am of going overseas. Why am I telling you this?
I failed.
I wasn't the child that I should have been. Far from it even. I wasn't the light I could have been. Yes, when it came to moral issues I stood my ground. But in order to be a witness for the LORD in L.A. the 'usual' doesn't cut it. I'll admit I was too scared to fully express the faith I have. Sharing with the co-workers I had. And I know I didn't care about them (well about their souls) enough. I failed. Not just in in being a light, but in my own walk with the Creator of all. If I had been in the Word more, and gone to church more regularly, I would not have gotten into the same situations and would have been able to deal better. But I let the sin and drama consume me, and take over my life. I failed. But I realized, that although I failed, I became much stronger too. He called me back. I realized how even when I'm struggling, He is there. The LORD died for me, and even when I fall, He is there to break me, and humble me. I grew because I had to live my faith out almost completely alone (meaning without other believers, because none are alone who have Christ) , for the first time in my life, made me realize more about my faith, and the God I love and want to serve with my life. Although I wasn't ever truly alone, not being in the Word, I felt more alone then ever. (Again, not something I am proud of) That's something I never want to take lightly again.
So...that is why me being home is a good thing. I can get a better grip on my faith, and come near to He who died for me...In preparation to go back 'out into the world and preach the good news'. Because if I am not looking to the One whom I serve with my life, and I'm not serving him with my life, it's all in vain. So, in short, I still feel called to Hollywood after I graduate. But that's not where I'm meant to be at this moment. In the book "God Called A Girl" by Shannon Kubiak, that I recently read she stated,
"Sometimes he prevents us from being where we want to be so we can end up where we are supposed to be."
I WANT to be in L.A. But at this point in my life, that is not where I am supposed to be. I NEED to be right here. In my journal I wrote this,
"He knows I was led astray. Therefore, where I want to be probably isn't where I'm supposed to be...now. I need to find comfort in knowing that in my confusion God is doing work. In the midst of the fog He is working".
I don't think it can be any clearer. So instead of worrying and being sad about being home, I need to realize the PURPOSE for why I am. And why I need to be. And how I'm supposed to live - praising Him who died for me at calvary. I need to
'lay aside every weight, and sin which so easily entangles, and run with endurance, the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on HIm, the Author and perfector of my faith, who for the JOY set before him, endured the cross, scorning the shame, and is seated at the right hand of God."
I pray that I can fall on my knees in praise to Him. And never forget His work at calvary.
